I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Randomize
