Your dad touched me again.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
