I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize