Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
