From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
