Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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