I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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