i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
