Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
