Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
