my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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