I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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