gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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