I got chris browned last night
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize