so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
