remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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