I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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