my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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