i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
