I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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