OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
