So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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