I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You pole danced in your parka.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize