I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
