Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
