just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
