Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
