so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
