I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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