I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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