Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
