WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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