We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
