remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize