Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
