Just fell off a train. Bad.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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