please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
