In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
