The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
