Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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