If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
