life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
