Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
