I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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