I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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