Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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