Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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