I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
