This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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