Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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