Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
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