Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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