Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
