Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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