I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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