Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
