Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
this hospital has no fireball
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
