Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
