I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
