hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Your penis caused this!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You left your phone here
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