first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
