u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
