She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
