Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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